


Kevin Gets Punched In The Dick

by AzureAceStarburst7



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 14:29:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8211913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AzureAceStarburst7/pseuds/AzureAceStarburst7
Summary: No prizes for guessing who punches him.





	

Kevin thought it was a good day as he strolled down Beach City. He was wrong, and also stupid.

He went down the boardwalk with a spring in his step and a shake in his hips, and then something crashed out of the wooden ground beneath him. "Shoryuken!" Stevonnie yelled, breaking through the ground and punching him in the dick.

He screamed as he sailed through the air and eventually fell down atop Fryman's store. The fused manwoman leapt up and landed atop the fry store, and stared down at rhe screaming man.

"What the hell?" Kevin demanded.

"Women on the internet told me that when you asked me to dance and I didn't, you were actually raping me! And that's terrible!" Stevonnie said.

"What?! What kind of messed up logic is- Oh wait, you call yourself a They, of course you can't do logic."

"What's wrong with being a they?"

"It's fine when you do it, since you actually are two people at once. But when normal humans do it because aliens think it's cool, it's stupid!"

"Why are you such a jerk?" Stevonnie demanded.

"Why?"

"Why?!"

"WHY?! I'LL TELL YOU WHY!"

"...ok, so... when are you gonna tell me-"

"Because I'm an attractive man in a cartoon written by a feminist!"

"What? Wait, WHAT?"

"Think about it! Jasper? Heartbroken warrior messed up by fusion? Looks too much like a man, so she gets Gem STDs, gets beat up a lot, and bubbled. Lapis? Sure, she broke your dad's leg, stole the earth's ocean, was too stupid to realize civilizations tend to advance after a few thousand years, and chose to fuse with Jasper so she could have someone new to hurt. But she looks like a cute girl, so let's give her a free pass! And Peridot, or as she sometimes calls herself while the writers laugh at how clever they think they are? She's literally just the lovechild of The Great And Powerful Trixie and Invader Zim, with some season one fanon Woona on top! But despite all the times she tried to kill you, she'll be forgiven for everything the second she allies with you out of necessity."

"How do you know all of this?"

"I'm aware of the fourth wall!" Kevin yelled. "I only exist to anger and trigger the same feminists that probably told you being forward and confident is scary and evil if you're a man, and when I wasn't hated by enough people, I was brought back for another episode, as a cartoonishly shallow asshole character this time!"

"No... the creator of this universe... can't be a feminist!"

"Think about it! Steven, giving birth to you would kill your mother, but if Twilight taught us anything, it's that feminism sells, even the stupid kind of feminism where abortion is something 'Real women' never do. In reality, the normal but propagandized people that can still think will admit that sure, abortion is ok if it's needed to save the mother's life. But feminists? No, feminists can't think for themselves. Feminists want to impress each other with how feminist they are! So of course, Rose Quartz kills herself, leaving her son to deal with an emotionally broken man that gave up his music career for the suicidal bint, a salty codependent nutcase that somehow can only grow emotionally or mentally when you're in the general room, and a fat dumb kid that's older than my grandma!"

"But wait! Despite leaving you four rocks to defend an earth her rebellion couldn't save, we're supposed to believe that she's perfect and pure. And her fans will attack you if you say otherwise! Because they can't handle dissenting thought! Feminism is like a cancer, it attacks the mind and damages it every time the lies of feminist dogma are accepted and internalized."

"Feminists don't have a dogma!"

"They literally told you it was rape when I flirted with you. It might not have colourful uniforns and nazi symbols everywhere, but it's still dogma. And speaking of perfection, maybe if the Crystal Clods weren't wallowing in their collective misery 24/7 or dissing humanity, they'd have noticed the Cluster! Honestly, if Peridot wasn't an incompetent coward unwilling to die for the mission, you'd have all been screwed. But of course, the author LOVES bailing you out of bad situations! Who could forget Fusion, every author's favourite 'Worf the current threat just like all other threats in this stupid show to try and make the fusions seem cool to the children watching' card?"

"Fusion, fusion, fusion, it's always fusion. Does a new problem show up? Does it matter? If not, this is a godawful filler episode. If it does matter, just kidding! You can solve it with fusion, tears, or magical sudden realizations. Oh wait, being idiots is hurting Steven! Oh wait, I have metal powers now! Oh wait, let's fuse and beat up this enemy easily!"

"And the Cluster. If you want a perfect summation of everything wrong with this garbage show and its cult of a fanbase, look no further than The Cluster! It gets talked up for numerous episodes, and then hastily wrapped up in the same episode as Malachite, another talked-up threat that turned out to be nothing. And of course, instead of making Steven make the difficult moral choice of choosing the earth and all life on it over the life of everyone in the Cluster and giving fans a legit reason to hate homeworld beyond 'Yellow Diamond dumb and hate earth lots', Steven's magical super liberal-mandated idealism-to-the-point-of-delusion saves the day, because he can just ASK THE FOETUS NOT TO FORM. Does anyone with half a brain or more even see what's wrong with that? Of course they don't, they're Steven Universe fans!"

"The show starts off like a dumb kid's show, and then levels up in smartness to a sorta-dumb kid's show, and it stays at that level while its fans cheer and pretend it's the GREATEST THING EVER. By the time the mind-numbingly stupid and cliche cancertrash finally becomes less-garbage, you've sunk so much of your life into it, The Sunk Cost Fallacy will convince you you're watching the smartest show ever! It's common toonboom trash, written by a stupid feminist and marinated in SJW pheromones. Every time I finish an episode of this show, sped up to four times so I can get it over with faster, I have to marathon One Punch Man just to stop my shrinking testicles from trying to retract back into my body and kill me from the inside!"

"And the Gems... How can you have a Mary Sue Species like this in your story, and call it Sci-Fi with a straight face? You're just Space-Elves! Space Elves, on par with goddamn Chakats! No, wait, at least elves have two genders, at least Chakats have dicks. You're a feminist fantasy, and it sickens me that there are kids watching this stupid show and thinking 'Wow, I want to grow up to be just like Pearl, the neurotic saltpile, or Garnet, the black tee-em strong tee-em womyn tee-em made of lesbians, tee-em, or Amethyst, the pile of absolute shit! Or Steven, the sad boy that never deals with his sad emotions, instead bottling them up and bending over backwards so the CLUSTERFUCK of mental problems around him can be the wacky ones, even though they're ALIENS THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD and Steven is a SMALL CHILD. How does it feel to know that a small child is better than the people supposedly raising him? When I see things like that, it pisses me off. Honestly, Steven, you should be with your father, and he should be on the road or online, making music and making money. The Crystal Gems should be handling their shit without you, not giving you more shit to deal with. The two of you should live your own lives, away from gem garbage that should have been settled long before you were born. And maybe, when the Crystal Gems FAIL AS ALWAYS, you can count on Steven coming in for the dramatic rescue, not armed with the power of having a self-loathing midget surprise-fuse with him, but the power of self-respect. Maybe that'd be a final battle I could actually watch with a straight face. Who knows, maybe I'd even cheer you on."

"Now if you'll excuse me," Kevin said as he struggled to get up. "My balls are fractured and I can feel cum mixing with my blood. It hurts like a motherfucker."

"Here." Stevonnie said, spitting on him. "I have healing spit."

"Of course you do." Kevin groaned as he got back up, balls now fine. "I don't suppose you use those powers intelligently like Josuke from JoJo Part 4?"

"No, they sorta come and go whenever the writers feel like letting me use them. They're more like a vague metaphor for how pure and good the hero is than any actual superpower." Stevonnie admitted.

"By the way, sorry about being such a jerk earlier. It's just... it's really annoying, being the only sane one on the planet, while everyone else sings the praises of feminism and feminist dogma and calls the stupidest propaganda show ever smart. When I was a boy, feminism claimed it was for strong women, and it didn't usually let its true intentions slip. Now, it's just blatantly for weak-willed spineless beta cucks that think they're 'Nice guys' for selling out their entire gender to manhaters that deserve to die alone in either a mental institution or death camp. It's blatantly against men getting to keep their children. It's blatantly for psychotic 'radical feminists', a fact that becomes obvious when you look at the feminist leaders over the years and the shit they've said and done. Ever heard of the Duluth Model? It's everything wrong with feminism in two words, and feminists won when they got it made official and got everyone to think it's normal. Promise me you'll look it up when I'm gone."

"Where are you going?" Stevonnie wondered.

"I'm a fictional character in a shitty show. Every moment awake is a reminder that I'm the only awake one. I'm amazed I managed to get you awake. And I mean truly awake, not 'Woke' like those retarded brain-dead racists. I'm glad I met you, but I'm done. I'm already done. I've been done for longer than I thought. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go make the first meaningful decision of my life." Kevin said, and jumped off the building.

"Kevin!" Stevonnie said, but she was too late. Kevin was dead.

Stevonnie cried. And then she got up, and started to head for the library.

She was going to find out what this "Duluth Model" was.


End file.
